Deconstructing the Boosh
by magenta1977
Summary: The Boosh had it all...a successful tour, a film, an album, but then it just ended... why?


**Deconstructing the Boosh**

I pause before I knock the door and I look down at my feet. They are killing me, why did I wear these shoes? Who am I trying to impress? Yes, it's going to be my beautiful, impractical, over-priced shoes that secure this interview. The notion of removing my shoes occurs to me, being barefoot might be seen as quirky and this may appeal to my subject. I reject the idea and take a deep breath.

Why am I so nervous? He is just a person after all and besides he is supposed to be the affable one. The other one may be a lost cause; I haven't been able to track him down, no replies to any of my emails or phone messages. Hell, I don't even know where he is.

"Alright?"

There he is; Noel Fielding, red skinny jeans, out of shape black t-shirt with the neck ripped, cowboy boots and a mop of black hair root boosted within an inch of its life. He smiles, wide and genuine as he places a hand on my shoulder welcoming me into his home.

"Mr Fielding, thanks for seeing me, I know you are very busy..."

"Noel..."

"Ok! Noel, I appreciate your time. "

We are now in his living room, which is awash with light emanating from a large bay window. There is a chaotic but lived-in feeling to the place, a mix match of objects and trinkets jostling for position in the over crowded room. Controlled chaos. It is overcrowded but not over-bearing.

There is a painting sitting on the fireplace, a myriad of colours, textures and shapes. There is crude child-like lettering in the corner; I squint, trying to decipher the words.

"Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful"

I feel my hand gravitate towards it, then I realising what I am about to do and I pull it back.

"Your hands clean?" he laughs. "Go ahead." He nods towards the painting.

"The colours...who is this? It is so beautiful."

Noel blushes and looks at the painting; modesty....unexpected...but what did I expect?

"Thanks....I...It's.....", He puts his hands into his jeans pockets and sways slightly forward onto his toes, biting his lip; when he is not smiling he looks weary, older.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"Mmmmm?"

"Drink?" He makes a drinking motion with his hand.

"Coffee would be great...Thanks."

I have to get it together, c'mon focus.

Noel motions towards the kitchen.

"Let's go into the kitchen....maybe we could get a seat in there!"

I follow him in the kitchen, which in contrast to the Living room is very clean and organised, everything in its place.

"So, this article you are working on, what's it about?"

"Mr Fiel..." He gives me a pointed look..."Noel....it is about you..."

"Me?"

"Well the Boosh...you and Julian."

Noel frowns. He catches my eye and the smile returns.

"What about me and....what about us?" He looks over my shoulder out the window.

"The huge influence you have had on the shaping of comedy in the last 15 years."

"Wow......all the interviews we've given over the years about where our influences have come from.....and now you're telling me we have inspired other people....that's amazing."

His gaze returns to the window, his face radiating pride and wonderment, lost in the realisation of being an inspiration. Bless!

"Yeah, I have interviewed quite a few up and coming comedians, as well as some established ones who are fans, so I have a lot of material for the article; from a fan point of view that is."

"Like who?"

"Here, you can have a look." I open my bag and rummage around, removing half the contents, before I can extract my folder. Noel is examining my belongings with great interest, which include a tin opener, a calculator, a dog leash and a plug. I blush and a sound, supposedly a laugh, springs from my lips. I really need to clean out my bag.

Noel opens the folder and sits down at the table. He bites his thumb nail as he reads.

"My God, I can't believe these guys are Boosh fans; its genius."

"There is still a lot of Booshlove out there, Noel!"

He looks at me his eyes like glowing sapphires, his smile widening.

"The film was released over a year ago and then you...The Mighty Boosh just stopped....."

"Stopped?"

His voice is so low it is almost inaudible.

"After the film....The Boosh just fell off the radar...there was talk of another tour and maybe another series."

"Yeah I know."

He gets up and lifts the kettle and begins to fill it with water.

With his back to me, I can study him undetected. He is taller than I expected and very slim, yet muscular. His body has a nice shape, clothes seem to hang well on him; he could be a model.

"Have you spoken to Ju...to Julian?"

He asks this so low, I almost didn't hear it. I notice that his elbow has frozen mid movement awaiting my response.

"No!"

The click of the lid of the kettle and Noel continues with his task.

"Julian is very hard to get hold of; I think he has moved out of London, but I am working..."

"Cornwall."

"Sorry?"

"He lives in Cornwall."

"Cornwall?"

"Yeah, he always wanted to live in Cornwall.....the countryside...you know....spending his days chopping wood, building stuff, tending his grounds, that sort of thing.....Lady Chatterley's lover, eh?"

We laugh.

"Heathcliff!" I offer.

"You know what? I always thought Ju would make a great Heathcliff; this great brooding, fractured Yorkshire man, stomping across the moors."

His eyes find the window once again, and Noel is lost to his own thoughts.

"It's a beautiful part of the country.....Cornwall." I say to lure Noel back into the conversation.

"Beautiful." He agrees his face obscured by the sunlight.

Noel switches on the kettle and turns to face me, leaning back against the counter with his hands on its surface.

His face has adopted a hard expression, his lips bearing no trace of the former smile. When he speaks his tone is sharp, almost aggressive.

"But you can't beat the chaotic pace of the city...to be in the thick of things...on the pulse, where every day brings new opportunities, evolution, revolution, commotion, emotion......where anything can happen and usually does..... who wants to be stuck out in the country... cut off from......from life?........Julian it seems!"

He shakes his head, and looks directly at me.

"Suppose you want to know what happened?"

His eyes dare me to ask.

"My article is mainly about The Boosh's influence and its impact on the ever changing landscape of comedy. Obviously it will touch on how it all ended...but...."

"It just ended......" He lowers his eyes for a second and then regains my eye contact again. "That is all........."

He shrugs and turns to take two cups out of the cupboard.

"So, what do you want from us?"

"A brief history, whether you ever knew how groundbreaking you were, what you think of the current comedy scene, maybe a little bit about what happened next ..... Oh, and photos, if that is ok?"

Silence.

He head is lowered, turning the two cups over in his hands.

I feel the silence expand, threatening to suffocate me. I control the urge to touch his arm to remind him I am still here.

Finally, Noel looks at me over his shoulder, his blue eyes penetrating his ebony fringe.

"If you get Barratt....I'll do it!"

Shit!

"Ok, that's great." I try to smile and overdo it, my jaw aching.

"Also . . . I want to be interviewed with Julian. Not separately."

Fuck!

* * * * *

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I regret it. I wanted to reach down into my phone and drag them back.

This could back fire in spectacular fashion leaving my article in ruins. But once the words were spoken, they can't be unspoken.

"Ok, I will mention that to Mr Barratt and I will get back to you."

How often had I heard that reply? 16 to be exact. How many emails have I sent without any replies? 23. How many phone messages had I left? 37. My heart sank.

It was all I had left. Noel wasn't forthcoming with any help. When I rang him, all he was interested in was whether I had spoken to Julian. The last time we spoke all I managed was "No but.." and he just hung up...I was losing him. I needed to do something; I needed a break, but sometimes you have to make you own breaks.....that is how I found myself saying the words, "Can you tell Mr Barratt that Mr Fielding has agreed to do the interview and the photos?"

When I hang up, I just stare at my phone; the phone call had lasted 4 minutes 39 seconds. In less than 5 minutes I may have fucked up my chance of an article.

*****

I am standing in line in the Bank when my phone rings.

Number withheld.

"Hello?"

"Hello....mmmm....this is Julian Barratt..."

My knees give way and my stomach flips; I half stumble and elbow the lady in front of me.

"Sorry...I.."

My phone slips from my hand and I knock heads with the guy behind me as we both bend down to retrieve it.

"Sorry."

"Sorry?"

"Sorry......Mr Barratt....I....sorry....oh..."

I leave the line, for damage limitation, and go and stand outside. My heart thumping, my hands shaking. OK keep it together. Julian Barratt is notoriously guarded and prickly...shit I haven't prepared for this...fuck fuck fuck.....ok ok...breathe...FUCK!

"Hello...are you there?"

"Sorry Mr Barratt, I am so glad to hear from you......I..."

"You want to write an article on the Boosh?"

"Yes, it's more a piece exploring the impact..."

"Yes, I know I read your many emails and listened to all your messages."

"OK, so..."

"You were speaking to Noel?"

"Yes, I was."

Silence.

"Mr Barratt....

"How is he?"

"Good.....he's good."

Silence.

"Mr Barr..."

"Is he still painting?"

"I think so...we never spoke about his painting, we spoke ..."

"He has agreed to do this?"

"Yes he has!"

Silence.

My heart stops, I remind myself to breathe as I close my eyes.

"Mr Barratt?"

More silence.

Oh no!

"Mr Barratt?...Hello?"

"Julian!"

"Ok. Julian. Would you be inter..."

"Ok..When and where?"

*****

I dial Noel's number. Voicemail.

"Noel? Julian has agreed to do the interview, does Friday.........."

******

Bang bang bang!

What?

Bang!

What the Fuck? Is that my front door or my neighbour's front door?

The Muppets Theme Tune.

My phone. Who?

Where the fuck is it? Ah, there you are.

"Hello?"

"Don't you answer your door?"

"Who is this?"

"It's me...Noel."

"Noel?"

"Please answer your door....its fucking freezing."

I go to my window and sure enough there is Noel Fielding standing on my door step.

"Ok. I will be right down"

I grab a sweater from my wardrobe and manoeuvre into it as I make my way down the stairs.

I open the door and the smell of alcohol fills my nostrils, making me take a step back.

Despite the strong smell of drink, Noel appears steady on his feet.

"Hey....what time is it?"

"No idea; no watch," and he waves his wrist at me as if I required proof.

"Come in."

I stand aside and Noel moves forward, getting his foot caught up in my mat.

Maybe he is not as steady as I first thought.

Noel settles down on the couch, running his fingers through his hair, pulling it all directions.

He smiles and I realise he is using my TV as a mirror.

"Anything to drink?" He asks as he takes a last look at his reflection.

"What do you want? Coffee, tea?"

"Anything stronger?"

"Beer....think I have some vodka."

"Vodka would be great."

I go into the kitchen and grab the half full bottle of vodka from the cupboard. I pour Noel's drink and add some diet coke to it. I glance at the clock, half past two. What is he doing here?

I hand him the drink and sit down in the armchair opposite him.

I watch him take a mouthful of his drink, his eyes scanning the room; he knows I am watching him.

He sets his drink down on a nearby table.

"Nice pad.......I really love..."

He's stalling.....oh God he has changed his mind...shit!!!

He looks down at the armrest where he is picking at a small hole in the upholstery.

"Suppose you're wondering why I'm here?"

"It did cross my mind?"

You are here to ruin my life you motherfucker! Don't you realise that this interview could potentially be my big break....I already have an editor interested...Oh fuck! Please, please.... My jaw is beginning to ache from maintaining my forced grin.....I may cry.

He smiles, and in the half-light of my living room his faces is mesmerising, the shifting shadows contorting and softening his mismatched, misshapen features.

"So Ju....Julian....he's agreed to this?"

"Yes he has.....I am so pleased."

"How did you manage that?"

"I......well."

Noel starts to laugh and waves his hand through the air cutting me off.

"I just can't believe...."

He stops and leans forward, his elbows on his knees, eyes downcast. His voice low, almost a whisper,

"Did you see him?"

"No, I have just spoken to him on the phone"

"Ah!"

He starts fidgeting and tucks his hands under his thighs, moving his feet about and nodding along to music that could only be playing in his head.

Time passes. What is going on?

"He asked if you were still painting."

He freezes. A faint trace of a smile flickers across his face. He looks up at me through his fringe.

"What did you say?"

"Well...that I didn't know...I don't know."

"I am." He says this quietly, to himself almost.

"Oh that's great....any exhibitions coming up?"

"NO!"

The abruptness of his response startles me that I knock over the plant sitting on the table beside me.

Noel just glances at the overturned plant and lies back in the couch.

"Sorry!"

"No worries....I'll just brush this up."

I walk into the kitchen, and go looking for a pan and brush under the sink.

"How did he sound?"

I look over my shoulder and Noel is standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Sound?...ok I suppose."

"It was always hard to tell.....he didn't....."

He trails off leaving the sentence unfinished.

He looks at his hands and adjusts a large silver ring in the shape of a skull.

"Noel.....what is this all about?"

I'm tired and I wish he would just get to the point.

"Loss." He says, resting his head against the doorframe.

Ok, a bit melodramatic!

"What?"

"Why do you want to do this piece...this article about us?"

"You interest me.....your progression from the pub gigs to Wembley....from underground to..."

"Overground?"

He laughs...forced and heavy.

I smile.

"Are you having second thoughts about the article, Noel?"

My heart is trying to claw its way up my throat. Please! Please say no!

I hold his gaze.

"No," he eventually answers.

My heart resumes its former position.

He rubs his eyes, dragging his hands back through his hair. He looks nervous and on edge.

"Why are you here?"

Noel walks over towards the table and sits down. He looks at the pan and brush in my hand. He makes no attempt to answer.

"I'll just be a minute."

I walk into the living room, and brush up the scattered soil and replace the plant.

I notice Noel's drink and bring it back into the kitchen with me.

Noel has his head in his hands; he looks up as I place his drink down in front of him.

"I miss him."

I freeze. Him? Who?

"Who; Julian? Noel, you were together for so many years...it's only natural."

I put away the pan and brush and turn and look at him, leaning against the counter.

Noel is turning his glass on the table, tracing the rim of it with his finger.

He misses his friend, maybe he sees this interview as a way to catch up, reconcile.

I realise that he is now watching me.

"I miss him so much."

His blue eyes are wide and glistening. Tears?

Please don't cry. What am I suppose to do if he cries?

I take the seat next to him and place my hand on his arm.

"You should ring him....He probably misses you too."

His face brightens momentarily, but then he shakes his head.

What happened between them? I stroke his arm.

"You will see him on Friday!"

He frowns.

"If he turns up."

"He will. On some level he must want to see you, otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to do this!"

He places a hand over my hand.

"I can't believe he has agreed to do this."

"He has...and when I was speaking to him I got the impression he missed you too."

"Why?"

His gaze fixes mine, pleading and almost desperate.

"I just got a feeling."

His shakes head slightly. Wrong answer. But what would have been the right one? Good grief...what is this all about? He looks away and makes a move to get up.....Quick! Think!

"Painting!"

My sudden outburst grabs his attention.

"Sure, he asked if you still paint......" I try to regain my composure as he turns his gaze back to me.

"He liked to watch me paint."

I nod and pat his arm.

"He would just lie there watching me...we could go hours without talking....him watching me...me watching him."

"You..."

"They found it strange that we spent so much of our non-Boosh time together........they would question it....make comments....."

"Ahh! They...They talk a lot don't they!"

He smiled and squeezed my hand.

I returned the smile.

"You were friends!....That's what friends do."

"You know there was talk that we were lovers?"

"Yeah.....but surely you encouraged that.....all the touching and the kissing........fuel for the fire; no?"

I muster a laugh. The atmosphere in the kitchen has shifted.

"Yeah, we did like to stir it up.....but we were so.......people would say he was cold and hostile, even rude."

"He did have a reputation for being a difficult interviewee; I always thought it was just shyness."

"A mixture of shyness, contempt and boredom."

"Great...can't wait till Friday!"

I try to laugh again, but it gets lost in my throat.

Noel nips my arm.

"Yeah, he could be a bit of a nightmare, but he was ...... unbelievably sweet."

"Yeah?"

"He would give me a hard time about all the crap I eat and then once in a while I would find a Pic 'n' Mix in my bag or under my pillow."

I squeeze his arm and we share a smile.

Noel eyes glow and his voice is low.

"We could sit for hours and not talk....just be...you know..no pressure to be interesting or amusing......it was...."

"A relief?"

"Contentment."

He took another drink, finishing it.

"Do you want another?"

He nods.

I get up to fix his drink.

Suddenly he laughs.

"You know what he used to do? ......He used to leave me notes....and sign them off as Julian Barratt.....his full name.....just silly notes like..... 'Noel, I have to go to the dentist I will be back in an Hour...Julian Barratt' .....who does that?"

I laugh.

"That is priceless...Bless him."

"Oh and when he left me messages on my voicemail....he would always say his name."

I hit him with a tea towel.

"Oi! That's not so strange, lots of people do that; I do that!"

But Noel's face has altered; all trace of laughter and amusement has vanished.

"Yeah, like I wouldn't know it was him."

I swallow. Noel is now staring towards the counter, eyes unfocused; he continues to talk, not really to me, to no-one.

"I would save these messages, you know, just so I could hear his voice...." He takes a phone out of his pocket and stares at it. It is only now that I notice that he has two phones with him, the other phone has been sitting on the table beside him.

"This was my old mobile ....I've his saved messages on here....you know me I have to move with the times.....can't be seen using an out of date mobile...I'd be a social outcast!"

I smile; his weak attempt at self deprecating humour has failed to dispel the sense of despair that has now filled the kitchen.

He starts to play about with the phone, flicking through the menu.

As quickly as the question occurs to me, I find myself vocalising it.

"You were in love with him?"

The words float in the air between us.

He looks straight at me, his eyes sad, but unflinching.

"I am in love with him...I never stopped!"

*****

Friday

I scan my living room. Ok it will have to do. Ashtray? Julian will probably want to smoke. I go into the kitchen and find a dish that will make an adequate ashtray. I run through a check list in my head; Camera, Dictaphone, notes.

I look at my watch - 6.05pm.

After Noel had left the other night, I lay awake for hours going over what had taken place. Noel is in love with Julian. Of course there had been talk, and comments.......

My doorbell.

Who is that?

Well whoever it is, they can get the fuck....I can't have any-one here when they arrive.

Muttering to myself, I walk to the front door ready to chase whoever it is away.

I open the door and I am confronted by a broad back clad in a black woollen jacket.

The person flicks a cigarette into the street and turns to face me.....Julian Barratt.

My first impression is how tall is, he towers over my 5' 3" frame.....I was waiting till the last moment to slip into my boots.

Then as I look up to his face, I am taken aback by how handsome he is. His rugged unshaven face is topped off by a headful of unruly curls. He smiles and I feel my stomach flip and I become so disorientated, that when he offers his hand, I force out my hand so vigorously that I catch him sharply between his stomach and crotch.

"Shit...I am so sorry!"

"This is the first time we have met, yet it is at least the fifth time you have apologised to me!"

I laugh a little too eagerly and then blush....get it together girl!!!

"Won't you come in?" I stand aside and let him pass by into the hall. I close my eyes briefly and take a deep breath and then follow him, closing the door.

"Noel isn't here yet."

"Really?......it's not like him!" He raises an eyebrow at me, his eyes twinkling.

"Well to be fair we did arrange to meet at 7......not that it's not ok that you have arrived early," I add quickly, only to be met once again with a raised eyebrow and an amused grin.

"Seven...so, on Noel Time that is 9, 10ish....so I am afraid you are stuck with just me....till..." the smile momentarily leaves his face, but is quickly reinstated as he claps together his hands and says "Ok; let's get started"

It suddenly occurs to me that he wants to get the interview over before Noel arrives. Shit...I have to stall him...Noel would probably just walk out if he arrives and Julian has left...I have come this far, I have to keep him here.....and besides I am quite interested in seeing their first interaction in over a year.

"Have a seat....would you like something to drink?... Beer?"

"Sure. Thanks!"

He takes off his coat and is about to place it over the back of the couch when I get an idea.

"Here, let me take your coat."

He hands me his coat....I take it and walk into the kitchen with it...There; he can't leave without his coat....good god I am such a dick..can't believe I am hiding his coat......if he asks for his coat what am I planning on saying?....oh, silly me, I think I have mislaid it, can you hang around for an hour or two until I remember where I put it? Ingenious..._sooooooo_ going to work! Am I that desperate? Yes, I am!

I return with the beer and hand it to him.

I sit down on the armchair opposite him. It then occurs to me that we are in the same positions Noel and I were in the other night. I watch him take a long slug of beer as he takes in his surroundings.

I start to fiddle with my Dictaphone....anything to delay the interview.....small talk.

"So how have you been Julian?"

"Good...I..." He looks down at his bottle of beer, "Good."

Okay.

"So, what have you been up to... I believe you are now primarily behind the camera....do you miss performing?"

"Right now, I am working on a book of short stories."

"Oh? Does it have a title?"

"It changes every day; I haven't settled on one yet!"

"What are the stories about?"

"Life, Death, Fear and Los..."

The doorbell stops Julian short. He stares at the doorway into hall. The doorbell rings again.

It's Noel and he's early. The realisation occurs to both of us instantaneously. I glance at Julian, he looks surprised and tense.

I go to the door and open it and as expected Noel is standing there.

He smiles and leans forward to give me a kiss on the cheek. As he walks by me I grab his arm, he looks back at me and nods his head and walks on into the living room.

I lean against the back of the door....relief washing over me....all the pieces are finally coming together.

I walk into the living room to find Noel alone.

Where?

I look around. My confusion must be obvious on my face.

"What's wrong?"

"Julian...he was sitting right here."

Noel looks like I have slapped him.

He is on his feet.

"What?....He must have gone out of the back door when he heard me ......I knew it...I knew he wouldn't be able to face me!"

He pulls his hands through his hair...he looks devastated.

"Noel."

We both turn to find Julian standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

"I was just looking for the toilet," he explains.

The two men just stare at each other. Julian breaks the silence.

"You're looking well, Noel."

Noel looks down at himself, absently tugging at his long leather coat as if to say "Ahhh this old thing", his cheeks redden as he looks back at Julian through his fringe.

"I see you're still championing the Lumberjack look."

Julian smiles.

"Bringing it back, Sir!"

At the same moment they move towards each other.

Within touching distance Julian places his hand on Noel's shoulder. Noel looks like he is going to move closer, but I see Julian's arm tense and it turns from a gesture of greeting into a barrier.

Noel catches my gaze briefly......and I see it...the pain. I feel the back of my throat contract....should Noel do this to himself? Can I be a witness to this self-inflicted torture?

Julian glances in my direction and then back at Noel.

"How have you been Noel?"

"Not bad, you are looking good, Jude."

Noel nudges him in the ribs...in a desperate bid to dispel the tangible tension.

Julian removes his hand from Noel's shoulder and smiles. He looks over at me and raises his eyebrows. He is relieved. The hardest part is over.

*****

"Remember that woman on the 2006 tour Julian, you know the one who..."

Noel began to laugh and as he did so leaned against Julian placing his hand on Julian's arm.

In the last two hours Julian and Noel had recounted their memories of the Boosh, and as a result of the combination of alcohol and nostalgia, the earlier tension has completely disappeared.

They started the interview at opposite ends of the couch, yet slowly they have gravitated towards each other. Funny; I never noticed as it was happening, I just all of a sudden realised that Noel's knee was now resting on Julian's thigh. They seem happy.

Maybe this was all they needed. Whatever had happened seems to be forgotten; maybe that tour will happen after all. Could be the alcohol, but I am feeling good; a little too pleased with myself, after all I have brought the Boosh back together.

"Remember the night we played as the Boosh band for the Teenage Cancer Trust gig? I was seriously shitting myself," Noel was saying.

Then my phone rings.

Julian and Noel start to laugh and sing along with it.

It is John, the editor interested in publishing my article, I need to take it.

"Sorry, I need to take this......talk amongst yourselves."

When I stand up I realise how drunk I am and it is confirmed when I trip over Julian's legs; he reaches up and steadies me.

"You ok?"

"Never better."

I leave the room to the sound of Noel and Julian laughing and answer my phone.

"Hello."

He just wants an update on the interview; he can't believe the boys are still here. I tell him the interview is going really well and that I got some really great photos, really natural, and lots of anecdotal material. I give him a brief summary.

"We should get together...does Monday suit..."

"LOOK AT ME!"

"What the hell was that?"

"John...I will have to phone you back..."

I hang up and approach the door to the living room, the door is slightly ajar, I try to position myself in such a way that I can see but not be seen. I can see the mirror above the fireplace, in which there is a reflection of the couch; Noel and Julian.

Noel is kneeling beside Julian on the couch, his hands on his shoulders, trying to turn him so they are face to face. Julian is trying to twist out of his grip, which then results in Noel attempting to climb onto Julian's lap.

"Please Ju....."

"No."

I could hardly hear Julian, his voice barely a whisper.

"Ju, please listen.."

"NO!"

Suddenly Julian is on his feet and Noel is on his back on the floor. Julian steps over him and walks towards the kitchen.

From his position on the floor, Noel can see me crouching on the floor in the hall through the gap in the door.

I crawl towards him.

"You ok?"

"No."

Noel clings to me and I feel his tears on my shoulder.

"What happened?"

"He won't listen."

"Where's Noel?"

"Bed."

"Upstairs?"

"Yes."

Julian is sitting at my kitchen table. He offers me a cigarette.

"No thanks."

Julian lights a cigarette and takes a long drag.

His eyes dart around the room avoiding my gaze.

Finally he closes his eyes and rubs his jaw with his hand.

"Sorry about..." he gestures towards the living room.

I glance into the living room recalling Noel's tear-soaked face.

Reading my mind, Julian says "He will be fine!"

"You think so!"

I didn't mean for it to be so abrupt, but don't regret it.

His eyes widen at my outburst. He takes another drag.

"He just gets a bit emotional when he drinks."

I meet his stare and he immediately looks away.

"You have hurt him."

"I have hurt him?"

He voice; even, emotionless.

He shakes his head.

"I'm going."

He gets up from the table.

I grab his arm.

"Please talk to him; it doesn't have to be now, but soon."

"The thing with Noel ....when you have his attention....it's like the sun shines on you, and it's glorious. And then he forgets you and it's very very cold."

"Julian...."

"Look at you.....you have his attention ....and look at what you're doing....every-one is the same."

He moves away from the table into the living room.

"Where's my coat?"

"He's in love with you."

He stops and drops his head, rubs his temple.

He makes a small movement towards the kitchen, changes his mind and walks on into the living room.

I follow him.

"Don't go!"

But he continues to walk through the living room and then he stops. I can't see what he is looking at as the door to the hall is open, blocking my view.

"I thought you were in bed."

"I take it you are leaving, then?"

Julian places his hands in his jeans pockets and shrugs.

"Typical!"

"Yeah, whatever Noel, I'm outta here!"

"NO!"

"What?"

Julian leans forward, as if he has misheard.

"You are not leaving!"

"Watch me!"

Julian walks into the hall and then reappears suddenly backwards into the living room. Noel must have shoved him. I move quickly towards Julian, who has steadied himself. He now looks at Noel, his eyes glowing with anger.

"Oh! Danger, little man! I suggest you get out of my way."

Noel is standing in the doorway. I see that he trying very hard to control the shaking of his lower lip. He looks terrified but determined.

"You are not walking out on me again."

Julian shakes his head.

"Don't do this Noel."

Noel's voice is breaking.

"I want you to listen to me."

"I stopped caring about what you wanted a long time ago."

Noel bites his lip.

"Please."

Julian makes a move towards the door. Noel places his hands on his chest.

"Get out of my way Noel!"

"Ju. Please."

Noel places his arms around his waist.

"Get off me!"

"Ju. Please stay."

"Get off me!"

"Ju, I need to talk to you."

"GET OFF ME!!"

Suddenly, Julian has Noel pinned up against the wall in the hall.

"Don't you get it? I don't want to talk to you. I hate you, you..."

Julian releases Noel, who slumps to the floor, and then, stepping over him, he pulls open the front door and leaves.

I go towards Noel, but he has gotten to his feet and is at the open front door, shouting into the darkness.

"FUCK YOU, JULIAN BARRATT, YOU SELF-RIGHTOUS CUNT!"

As I place my hand on his shoulder, he falls into my body and I almost lose my footing.

He is weeping; he grips the front of my shirt.

"I hate him so much I can barely breathe."

*****

"So much for my coat plan."

"What?"

We are sitting in the living room.

"When he arrived early, I thought he was going to try and get the interview over with and leg it before you showed up, so I hid his coat."

I am too drunk to care about how crazy that makes me sound.

Noel stares at me, his lips sealed shut, trying not to laugh.

"You hid his coat?"

I nod, my face reddening.

Noel's face is red too, but for a different reason. He can't suppress it much longer.

He laughs so loud and hard he is doubled up, clutching his chest.

"Yeah, I know, I'm a dickhead!"

When Noel finally gets a hold of himself, he grabs my empty glass and his and goes to the kitchen to refresh them.

It has been a hour since Julian left, and it has been tough, Noel hasn't spoken much until 10 minutes ago, when he turned to me and said, "Fuck him.....let's throw some tunes on and finish off your drinks cabinet!"

Noel returns with our drinks.

"Thanks Noel"

He crouches down beside my chair. His blue eyes bloodshot and slightly swollen.

"Where is it?"

"What?"

"His coat?"

"It's in the cupboard with the Hoover."

"Get it?....Will you? Please."

"Why?"

I don't like the sound of this.

"You are not going to mess up his coat?!"

Noel sighs and places his chin on the armrest.

"I....please!"

I get up and walk into the kitchen with Noel directly behind me.

I go to the cupboard and remove the jacket.

Noel stares at the jacket as if it is a delicate work of art.

He looks at me, as if for permission to touch it.

I push it into his hands.

I watch as he rubs the material of the coat against his face and then he buries his face in it.

Oh, no. Have I made a mistake? Made things worse?

Before I get a chance to retrieve the coat, Noel is walking towards the living room. He is putting the coat on. He looks like a child dressing up in his father's clothes. He sits down on the couch and curls up in the coat. So much for getting wasted and pulling a few shapes.

"His smell...." He closes his eyes and pulls the collar of the coat closer to his face.

"Noel?

"Yeah?"

"Noel, what ha..."

I am distracted as Noel now has a small hardback notebook in his hands, which he has found in one of the inside pockets of the coat. He turns it over in his hands and strokes it.

"Ahhh . . . . Noel, don't go through his pockets....that's a bit shit."

I start to hiccup. It's the alcohol.

"Noel, I will, hic, take the coat, hic, off you!"

But Noel isn't listening; he is transfixed by this notebook.

"Noel? hic"

I kick him and he looks up.

"Noel, c'mon! hic Stop that! hic"

He ignores me and returns to the notebook.

My hiccups are getting worse; I pull myself up and go into the kitchen to get a glass of water. I stumble slightly and knock the plant, but despite my alcohol intake my reflexes are quick and I manage to steady it before it falls.

When I return, he is flicking through the notebook. I shake my head and fall back into my chair.

"He always carried a notebook..."

"Oh?"

"Just in case inspiration struck......though he just ended up using it as a place to write lists and phone numbers.....inspiration only ever struck when we were together....like a chemical reaction."

"Mmmm." I close my eyes.

"I see things haven't changed.....I always....."

His silence prompts me to open my eyes. Noel is holding something in his hand.....what is it? A square piece of card....I blink...it is a Polaroid picture. His face has drained of colour and is motionless.

"What is it?"

No answer.

"Noel?"

"Oh, Ju.....baby!"

Noel is now smiling and his eyes are tearing.

What is this? I get up off my seat and sit down beside Noel.

The Polaroid is of him and Julian, in what looks like a pub, Noel is sitting behind Julian with his chin resting on Julian's shoulder and his hand on his arm, their heads are together and they are both smiling. Some-one has written "BOOSHLOVE" across the bottom and drawn a crude heart around the two men.

Noel is now stroking the photo. I touch his arm and he puts his head on my shoulder.

"Oh Noel!"

"We were so happy....look!"

"I can see that."

"Look at that smile....those eyes...those curls...oh God.....I love him so much.......seeing him tonight, I lost my breath, my heart began to pound, and I was painfully aware that I wasn't over him."

"It will get easier...I promise."

"Trying to forget someone you love, is like trying to remember someone you never met."

"A break-up can be like a bereavement...that intense sense of loss...you just need time."

"Sometimes I wish I had never met him, because then I could go to bed at night not knowing he's out there."

He turns to look at me. His eyes like two saucers full of tears.

"My biggest fear was that one day we'd run into each other on the street and have one of those horrible artificial conversations, as if we never were anything to each other."

"Noel, what happened a year ago?"

He settles back on the couch and returns his gaze to the photo.

"It wasn't just one thing.......so many things were going on..."

"Was there nothing you could have done at the time?"

"I was too stubborn, I just stood there...nothing more painful than to watch someone you love walk away. To watch the distance between you expand until there is nothing left but empty space... and silence. The silence and the empty space.....it was unbearable.....deafening silence....overbearing space.... _'Hearts will never be practical, until they are made unbreakable'_ ...that wizard knew a thing or two."

"He sure did!"

I rest my head on his and we look at the photo. Where did it all go wrong?

"I want him back!"

"I know you do, but Noel....you don't know what has happened in the last year, he could be with some-one else, he could be happy!"

"No....he . . . ."

"You know that for sure?"

"No, but I feel it...here."

He points to his heart.

I turn to face him.

"Noel, you might have to accept that Julian has moved on."

"No .....Look!"

He waves the photo in my face.

I get up off the couch.

"You're hopeless!"

He grabs my hand and looks up at me.

"I am not without hope."

"Noel, you could be setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Besides he obviously doesn't want to talk about happened.."

I kneel down in front of him and place my hand on his cheek.

"Noel, sometimes there is no going back. I know you are hurting, but even if you do see Julian again, there is a chance he has moved on."

Noel starts to say something, but I keep on.

"Yes he has kept your picture, yes there may be a chance you could get back together, but Noel you have to see that there is also the possibility that you won't."

We stare at each other, his sorrowful eyes piercing my heart. Noel places his forehead against mine and I feel a tear against my cheek.

"I will die if I accept that; hope is the only thing keeping me alive."

"Oh, Noel.."

The doorbell.

Noel looks up.

"Who's that?"

"Sorry, can't see through walls."

I get up and go into the hall. I know exactly who it is. Who else could it be?

Julian Barratt.

"I have come for my coat!"

I stand aside and he passes and enters the living room.I follow.

Julian is standing looking down at Noel curled up in his coat with his notebook in his lap and the photo in his hand. No-one has said a word.

I stand in the doorway, watching these men, their eyes locked, as if in a standoff.

Finally Noel speaks. "You kept the picture."

It was a statement rather than a question.

Julian shrugs and looks away. "I forgot it was in there."

Noel shakes his head. "Look!"

He turns to photo around to face Julian.

Julian looks away.

Noel thrusts the photo closer to Julian's face. "Look!"

Julian glances at it. "And what?"

"We were so happy!"

Julian looks at me. He begins to move from foot to foot and his hands rake through his curls.

"Julian?"

"What?"

His tone is irritated. He keeps glancing over at me. He looks uncomfortable, I bet he is wondering how much I know? I lean against the doorframe and avoiding his gaze.

Noel tugs at his shirt. "Please sit down."

"Noel..."

Julian shakes his head and sits in the armchair opposite Noel. He glances up at me again. "You getting all this?"

His words are practically spat out. His face contorted with disgust.

I move towards him. "Listen, I...

"Julian...she's ok!"

Noel reaches for my hand and smiles up at me.

"Really?...so this isn't going to be splashed all over some torrid little rag is it?.....I hear you make good copy Noel."

That was it. "Where the fuck do you get off...."

Noel is on his feet. "Stop it...Julian...it's ok.."

Julian looks up at Noel and suddenly his expression softens.

"I'm sorry...I'm..." He glances at me then at his boots.

"It's fine." I try to make it sound casual, but it sounds flat and cold. "Would you like a drink?"

"A beer would be great."

He smiles at me, I am unresponsive.

When I return with the beer, I sit at the other end of the couch.

Noel and Julian are just sitting in silence stealing glances at each other.

"So," I shatter the silence, "When was this photo taken?"

Noel answers. "I think it was 2006."

Noel looks at Julian for confirmation.

Julian is staring at me. He is trying to figure out how much Noel has told me. He nods.

Noel is smiling broadly at the photo.

I stare back at Julian; he averts his eyes and shifts in his seat.

"You make such a lovely couple."

Julian chokes on his beer and knocks over the same plant as I did the other night.

He is on his feet, his shirt and jeans covered in beer.

I smile, satisfied.

Noel laughs.

"My God, Julian! You are only here five minutes and you've already wrecked the place, he's completely footless"

He nudges me and we laugh.

"Fucking typical!" Julian is glaring at Noel, he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

"What?"

"You haven't changed!"

"Julian, I was just"

"You were always just....Noel!!"

"Hold on, Julian."

Noel raises his hands in protest.

"No, I won't hold on.....I was always your punch line."

"What?"

"You and those trendy dickheads you called friends.......Yeah, but where were they when you were so off your tits you would shit yourself and pass out in your own vomit?"

"Julian, why...?"

Julian turns to face me, his face red, full of rage.

"Want to know what happened to the Boosh? Eh?"

He points at Noel.

"His ego! It couldn't cope with the weight of this fucker's ever expanding ego! Ah, but look at you!" He looks at me, a smile full of contempt twisting his features, "Blinded by his sunshine, taken in with his bullshit......we all were sweetheart!! We all were!"

Julian swings his arms gesturing to the entire room.

I look at Noel, horrified. What the fuck is happening? Noel's face is flushed and I notice that he is trying hard to control his voice as he speaks.

"Julian....Please, I want to sort this out!"

"What? And be friends?"

"It would be a start..."

"Tell ya what, let me ruin your life, let me break your heart, let me rip your world into little pieces, let me destroy who you thought you were, and then I'll ask if we can be friends. Eh? How does that sound?"  
"You did Ju, you did!!"  
"Here we go....it's always you isn't it...Fuck this I'm going!"  
Noel stands up, the coat falling from his shoulders, and grabs Julian's arm.  
Julian looks at Noel his eyes blazing.

"Make me stay. Say something sweet and tender and untrue and make me stay. For old times' sake."

"Ju...please." Noel's grip on Julian's arm tightens.

Julian brings his face closer to Noel's. His voice is low and controlled.

"The hardest thing about knowing that you didn't love me was that you spent so much time pretending that you did. I was holding on to something that used to be there, hoping it would come back, yet all the time knowing it wouldn't."

Noel bows his head and looks away. I can see that he is trying to keep himself from breaking down.

Julian shakes off Noel's grip.

"Noel, what did you expect?"

"Julian, I know I fucked it all up, but what we had..."

"What we had? Ok, let's see: you would fuck me, then disregard me. You'd love me, you'd hate me. You'd be attentive and passionate and then you'd turn into a total cunt." Julian pauses and observes Noel for a second. Noel's hand is shaking as he bites his thumb nail. "Is this a pretty accurate description of our relationship? I can see how that would be worth saving!"

Noel looks at Julian, he voice barely escaping from his throat.

"You don't mean that!"

Julian holds his gaze and I see his features soften and when he speaks his tone is softer also.

"Have you ever hated somebody so much that you wish they would just leave and never come back, and yet loved them so much that you knew you would die if they did?"

Noel moves towards Julian and places his hands on his arms.

"Julian...I..."

Julian looks down at him, their foreheads are touching.

"The truth of the matter is that I still have feelings for you." Julian places a hand on each side of Noel's head, and as he speaks he increases the force of his grip, distorting Noels face, "And no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off without you, a part of me just won't let go. That is why I came back...I had to see you and remind myself why I left!"

Noel pushes Julian away, there are red marks on his face were his hands had been.

"My God, Julian, you are one sanctimonious asshole."

"Sanctimonious?...Oh, my! We have extended our vocabulary!"

"See that?...That was it right there." He points at Julian. "Making fun of me......you and that smug fucker Alistair."

"Alistair?" Julian eyes widen in disbelief.

"Yeah...your private jokes......your self-righteous little speeches about my lifestyle....all your pretentious waffle about your music and books and shit."

"Books and shit?"

Julian rolls his eyes.

"Fuck you Julian....it wasn't easy for me; my input wasn't welcome."

"Bullshit! I tried to involve you, but you just weren't interested...it wasn't exciting enough for you because there weren't photographers chasing you or gangs of girls screaming and cheering at your very existence."

"Alistair made it very clear I wasn't welcome!" Noel turns away from Julian.

"By what" Julian follows Noel until they are face to face again, "By not being interested in the latest fad, haircut or what some ponce was wearing in China Whites?"

Noel shakes his head.

"He would belittle and ridicule me and you would let him."

"Is that so?

"Yeah....made me feel like some worthless retard."

Julian looks away; the harshness has left his voice.

"Well at least I tried to involve you.....better than being ignored....I'd reach out to you...but you wouldn't be there...I'd end up clutching at air."

"Yes, it hurts to see someone you love ignoring you, but it hurts even more to know that he loves you, and just doesn't want to show it."

"What?"

Noel is becoming more animated, his face and composure all transformed, he is getting into his stride.

"You know exactly what I mean, all those stolen glances, lingering touches, drunken fumbles and half spoken sentences till we finally admitted to ourselves what was really going on.....and just when.....just when I thought we could finally enjoy really being together....really together...you. . ." He pokes Julian in the chest. "You, would freak out if I touched you or said anything about us in public...when we were alone...God it was fantastic...but out there...Mr Barratt was having none of it...no way; no sir!,...when we did touch or fooled around...you made it quite clear it was all part of our act, all for the camera....funny; most double acts would play up to the whole supposed-homoerotic aspect of their relationship....suggesting there may or may not be something going on....we were the opposite...playing up to it, but making it clear, in however subtle a way, that it was part of the act!"

"Sounds complicated!" Julian catches my eye and smirks.

Smash!

Noel has thrown a bottle against the wall just behind Julian's head.

"STOP IT!!!!"

Noel is glaring at Julian, his breathing heavy and erratic. His voice is loud and the words are bouncing off the walls.

"You know it's true Julian. YOU placed a barrier between us, making ME feel that I wasn't special enough......when you love some-one you want to scream it from the rooftops.....you would whisper it under the duvet cover."

"I was afraid." Julian looks away.

Noel sighs. Julian places his hand on the fireplace looking into the empty hearth.

"It was all new to me and besides you became obsessed with this image of yourself...VINCE NOIR ROCK N'ROLL STAR."

Noel closes his eyes and places his head against Julian's arm.

"Your behaviour became more and more erratic, you were becoming more incoherent and unreliable by the day...I was never really sure how you felt about me."

"Even when I was acting crazy, I loved you. I tried to show you in a million ways but nothing ever got through. I would catch you looking at me with contempt and sometimes disgust....my heart was breaking....I tried to reach out...but I was trapped in this spiral of ..."

"Self destruction?"

Noel nods and their eyes meet.

Julian continues.

"It wasn't contempt...it was sadness...I was watching you destroy yourself and there was nothing I could do...but wait for the call to go and fetch you, clean you up, put you to bed and take the barrage of abuse you threw my way...night after night. But the thing is I would have followed you to hell if you'd asked me to and with all you put me through, maybe I did."

"Julian....I'm sorry!" Noel hugs Julian's arm. "I am so sorry!!"

Julian's gaze returns to the hearth.

"I used to think that if I loved you enough you would realize it and love me back, but I can only love so much for so long. I would question myself constantly....Do I really love him or am I addicted to the pain of wanting something he is not willing to give? I loved you yet I hated you." A sad smile crosses his face. "It's like I wanted to throw you off a cliff and then run really fast to the bottom and catch you. I hated the way I could never fully hate you."

"I thought I was losing you...." Noel looks up at Julian, resting his chin on Julian's arm. "First you deny our relationship and then you meet this guy who you have so much in common with...you spend all this time with him.....when we did get together you'd spend your time lecturing me about how I was on the road to destruction....If only you'd realised that you drove me there."

Julian shakes Noel off his arm with such force; Noel falls backwards onto the couch, his elbow catching me sharply on my cheekbone

"You're blaming me because you were a fucked up wee trendy with a drug problem?"

Julian is standing over him. I am so close I can see the vein in his temple throb.

"Your indifference towards me.....it began when Alistair came along."

Noel is struggling to sit up, but Julian looms over him, his hands on the back of the couch.

"You were on that road long before Alistair, dear boy!"

"But you were with me and it was fun; a laugh, as long as I had you. I could take or leave it.....after Alistair; it was all I had and it became a necessity!"

Julian straightens up. "Alistair was just a friend."

Noel shakes his head and adjusts himself into a sitting position. He looks up at Julian, who refuses to meet his gaze.

"I remember passing that coffee shop down by Dave's and I saw the two of you laughing...and you know what? I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen you laugh.....and at that moment I realised that I had to fight for you...I was about to go in when I saw you both get up to leave...for some reason I panicked and ducked into a nearby doorway......as you were both leaving Alistair turns to you and says 'What about Noel?' and you know what you said....?"

Julian shakes his head....his face blank.

"You said, 'Who cares.....I'll buy him something shiny and he won't give a shit!'.....Do you remember that?"

"No."

"Yeah, well, when you got back that night...I was waiting for you and you seemed surprised when you saw me and you asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing. When you walked away, I whispered to myself 'Everything is!'"

Julian sits down in the armchair and puts his head in his hands.

"Do you know what your problem is Julian Barratt?" Noel begins, but Julian is back on his feet and grabs Noel by his t-shirt lifting him off the couch.

"What my problem is? I will tell you what my problem is. My problem is that I LOVE YOU. I love the sound of your name on my lips, I love the way you look at me, I love your smile, I love your walk, I love your eyes, I love how you look when you are asleep, I love the sound of your laugh, I love how you bite your thumb nail when you are concentrating, I love how you can't leave your hair alone and actively seek out reflective surfaces just to study it, I love how the simplest things please you..."

Noel cups Julian's face in both his hands, tears streaming his face. Julian is trying hard to control his voice as he continues.

"The sound of your voice makes my heart beat faster and I forget to breathe. I love the way I can be having the worst day of my life and seeing you completely changes my mood. I love how when you touch me I feel weak. That was my problem, is my problem and will always be my problem!"

"Julian...I want to be with you."

"Why?"

Their mouths are so close, lips are almost touching.

"So I can kiss you, touch you, hold you, anytime I want!"

Julian gently pushes Noel back and looks at him.

"You remember...... but that was so long ago, Noel."

Noel puts his hand on Julian's shoulder close to his face. His thumb strokes his chin. Julian closes his eyes.

"It's not too late." Noel whispers.

Julian sways slightly, lets go, returns to his seat, lies back and closes his eyes.

Noel kneels down in front of Julian, his hand on his thigh.

"Don't say we're not right for each other. The way I see it, we're not meant for anyone else. I have missed you!"

Julian opens his eyes and looks at Noel, his voice tender.

"If you think missing me is hard, you should try missing you."

"I can imagine."

Noel winks at Julian. Julian smiles briefly, but then shakes his head before saying. . .

"Do you remember what you said to me, when I tried to speak to you about how I was feeling?"

"Ju, please?"

"Do you?"

"Yes!"

"Well...what was it?"

"Ju...don't..."

Julian leans forward.

"Say it!"

"I said 'If you don't love me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best.'"

"Well you know what...I loved you more than you deserved....you hurt me more than I deserved!"

Noel is on his feet, his face distorted with rage.

"How come you are the victim?....You are the one who gave up...... while I was holding on, you let go." He voice breaks and the tears come. " I don't know which I would rather believe... that you never did care or that you eventually stopped."

"I wish I'd saved all the tears I cried for you so I could fucking drown you in them."

"What about my tears?" Noel begins to shake, his limbs all jerking out of sync. " My heart was taken by you... broken by you... and now it's in pieces because of you."

"I think it's time I let you go," Julian's voice is even and emotionless, his eyes blank.

Noel stares at Julian, his eyes swell, he shakes his head. "No, No, No!"

I can't see Julian's face because Noel is now leaning over him.

"No.....we can make this work!"

"Make it work? It either does or its doesn't, you can't force it!.... Besides what did we have really?"

Noel is back on his knees, holding the collar of Julian's shirt.

"I had a guy who would call me beautiful, who always called back when I hung up on him, who would lie under the stars with me, telling me their names, would stay awake just to watch me sleep...who would kiss my forehead for no reason, who would sit and talk to me as I lay in the bath,.......I miss how he would drive with his hand resting on my knee and the way he would let me pick at his food......I miss the hot nights in those hotel rooms when he was all around me, the taste, and the scent and the feel of him. And I'd fall asleep in his arms, with the sound of his heartbeat being the last thing I heard before going to sleep". Noel tugs at Julian's shirt. "But what I don't miss is how he wouldn't hold my hand in public or tell the world 'This is him...the man I love'. You feared what we had; your love was cowardly."

"I would fear how much I love you!....And I would hate you for it."

Julian meets Noel's gaze, and I can see his eyes are red raw and swollen.

Noel places his head against Julian's chest. Julian**'s** hand moves towards Noel's hair, as if out of habit, and then suddenly retracts as Julian continues.

"When I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.......you tore me apart....your addictions, your changing personality, your erratic behaviour, how you would bring home strangers and turn on me........and in the morning you would be all apologetic....."

Julian closes his eyes. Noel looks up and places his hand on Julian's face.

Suddenly, Julian grabs Noel by the shoulders.

"Noel you would disappear for days on end...I would be frantic.....then I would open a paper and there you were, draped over some tart......but it didn't matter...as long as I was there to clean up after you and available for an occasional fuck!...You used me!," Julian begins to shake Noel emphasising each word. "And now you're trying to blame me for the state of your life...that I am totally to blame.....Alistair.....he was all I had.....he was the only person I could speak to about you....I had to speak to some-one."

"You are so naive....he wanted you for himself....he was always trying to push me out!"

Julian lets go of Noel and falls back into the chair.

"Noel you weren't pushed...you drifted!"

"I tried to bring you with me, but.."

"Yes, at the start the parties and all were great, but then you got in with those assholes and you changed....for some reason you wanted to impress them.....and you used me as your punching bag to get a few cheap laughs!"

Noel sighs loudly and stands up, irritated.

"So, you're telling me Alistair never made a move on you?"

"Noel...See; classic denial!.....You won't even acknowledge how your behaviour destroyed our relationship."

"My behaviour?.......You have no idea, have you?..Alistair told me to leave you alone, that the only reason you were still with me was because you felt responsible for me... he told me I was selfish and that I didn't deserve you."

"Noel....fuck off!!...A new low."

"Do you remember that night you saw him leaving my room, and he told you he was just checking I was alright?"

"I remember when I still believed the things you said."

"Well, that's when he told me I was a useless cunt that didn't deserve to live and that I should fuck off!...... He told me that if I truly loved you I'd leave you."

"Noel, I don't...."

"No!.... I think we have established my contribution to the cesspool that was our relationship....what about yours Barratt?"

"What do you mean?"

"You and Alistair....There was something going on!"

"Why would you think that? Huh? Why?" Julian slowly shakes his head.

"Why not... after all.....sure..... I was once the other "woman"......ME!....when we got together...why wouldn't it happen again?"

Julian stands up, and pushes past Noel, his hands pulling at his hair. He stalks about the room, his arms flailing.

"I'll tell you why. When I was with Julia, all I thought about was you, when we were together, all I thought about was you, and all the time we have been apart all I have thought of is YOU......it has always been you Noel, just you!....Just you!...No-one else just you!.......always you....just you!"

Julian stops pacing and the two men stare at each other. Julian then falls back into the armchair.

Without a word, Noel walks over to Julian, kneels down before him and places his hand on his face. Julian places his hand over Noel's hand holding it there, his other hand gently brushes Noel's fringe from his eyes.

"I always thought a break up was like a broken mirror. Was it better to leave it broken, than hurt yourself trying to fix it? But the fact is you and me are inevitable; you're all that makes me happy but if you break my heart again, I'll have to kill you, as that is the only way I can stop myself from taking you back again."

Noel closes his eyes and rubs his forehead against Julian's chin.

"There is no way I will ever let you go again...you are stuck with me Julian Barratt, I'm afraid."

Noel moves closer to Julian, and places his head in his lap. Julian begins to stroke Noel's hair as Noel plays with the end of Julian's belt.

I should leave; they need their space, besides I might not get another opportunity. I get up out of my chair as quietly as I can, but as is typical when you are trying to escape unnoticed, you make the sound of some-one who is trying desperately not to make a sound. Julian looks up, his eyes half closed and drained, he looks confused as if he had forgotten I was there or doesn't recognise me, he blushes. He opens his mouth to say something, but I just shake my head and smile and creep out of the room.

* * * * * * * *

I hear the post dropping onto my mat. I need to get up, but I am afraid to move.

Since I left them last night, I have been lying awake listening. For what?

I heard some laughter, the clink of glasses, but mostly silence.

Hell, this is my house; they can't keep me out of my own living room.

I swing my legs out of bed and put on my slippers.

I creep down the stairs. Why am I creeping? They know I am here.

I collect my post from the mat and flick through it....crap, crap, crap.

I throw the post on the hall table and walk towards the living room door. For all I know they might have left....but surely I would have heard them leave...unless I had drifted off...oh, for God's sake open the door.

For some reason I open the door quickly as if I want to surprise them....for what reason, who knows?

The room smells heavily of smoke and beer; I need to open a window.

I walk toward the window and that's when I see them.

They are lying on the couch. An entanglement of limbs and clothing.

Julian's shirt is undone and Noel is lying with his head on Julian's naked chest. One of Julian's hands is on Noel's hip and the other is one his shoulder, holding him tight.

Noel's face is all red and patchy...stubble rash? .... He is smiling.

A fairytale ending?

I open the window and lift a few empty beer bottles and my poor abused plant before I make my way to the kitchen.

*****

Julian is sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper.

Noel goes over to him and stands behind him, putting his arms around his neck, one hand finding its way beneath his shirt. He places his chin on Julian's shoulder, so they are cheek to cheek. "What ya reading?"

Julian smiles."Just this piece about the upcoming election."

"Who's that?"

But Noel isn't looking at the paper he is too busy kissing Julian's neck.

Julian laughs and moves his head closer to Noel's.

"The Prime Minister, Noel"

"Great!"

"You really interested in the Election?"

Julian's voice has a mocking tone and is full of amusement.

"That's wonderful, good for them!"

Julian pulls Noel onto his lap and as he does he catches me watching.

I see Noel tense up, unsure how Julian will react.

It feels like we are suspended in time. No-one speaks or moves.

Then, slowly Julian turns to Noel, and kisses him gently on the mouth, his hands stroking his hair, then his face.

Noel leans against Julian, their foreheads touching.

I let out the breath, I didn't realise I was holding.

"So!" I say "Who wants sausages?"

*****

We are standing at my front door, when Julian's phone rings.

"I'll just be a minute."

Julian is walking about talking on the phone and when he is out of earshot I ask Noel,

"A second chance?...I am so happy for you."

"I'm happy for me!"

We look at Julian, who when he sees us, makes a face and smiles.

"Even after all this time, that smile goes straight to my knees and crot.."

I punch his arm.

"What?"

I roll my eyes.

Noel is watching Julian.

"Look at him; he still hasn't mastered the buttoning of shirts!"

Julian's shirt is not only half buttoned, but unevenly buttoned, his coat lying open even though it is quite cold.

I link Noel's arm and whisper.

"He has you to look after him now; you can show him how to button a shirt, I know you can unbutton one – I've seen the evidence!"

Noel blushes, and then looks directly at me.

"Thank you"

"What for?"

Julian's phone call has finished and he has joined us.

"Ready?" he asks Noel.

"I was born ready."

"As if! I wouldn't be surprised that when you exited the womb, you went back in again and came back out. He is a bitch for applause!"

Noel looks at me, a look of exaggerated indignation on his face.

"See what I have to put up with."

I laugh and Julian ruffles his hair.

"C'mon!! Not the hair!!"

"Let's go Noel!"

Julian looks at me and places his hand on my arm.

"Thanks for having us. . . and if you need anything. . .for the article or. . give us a call."

"Will do!"

He kisses my cheek and hugs me.

"Thank you," he whispers in my ear.

"C'mon, c'mon that's enough!"

Noel playfully pushes us apart.

"Ok, well we have to head, let us know when the article is coming out!"

"I will, now off you go or there won't be no article!"

Noel kisses me and squeezes my arm.

He turns back to Julian, "Come here!"

Julian rolls his eyes at me as Noel buttons his coat. "There ya go!"

They walk to the end of my path and Noel removes sunglasses from his bag and puts them on.

Julian looks at him and raises an eyebrow. It is a dull miserable morning.

Noel shrugs, his arms outstretched, palms upwards as if to say, "And what?"

Julian shakes his head, cups Noel's face and kisses his forehead.

Noel links arms with Julian resting his head against his shoulder.

Julian kisses his forehead before they walk down the street and disappear around the corner.

I close the front door and walk into my living room. What a mess. I lift as many empty bottles as I can carry and walk into the kitchen. Suddenly my foot slips and I grab at the counter, pulling my poor dilapidated plant down on top of me. On my kitchen floor lies the photograph from Julian's coat, I must have slipped on it. It is face down, there is something written on the back of it that I hadn't noticed last night. I lift it: on the back in crude child like lettering are the words, "I love you Julian Barratt xxx". Suddenly an image of a painting I saw in Noel's house that first day we met flashes before my eyes....the crude child-like lettering.....the painting was of Julian.

I lift myself up off the floor, my hair and clothes covered in the remains of my poor plant. Using a daisy shaped magnet I attach the photo to my fridge and a thought occurs to me............ that sometimes you have to rip something apart, before you can rebuild it.

20


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